Eventually I’ll figure out how to put film on this site, and you can have the dubious distinction of actually seeing and hearing me sing my comic songs. However here are the words of one that went over rather well at a New Year’s party, this year. It is about the way that jealousy, (among other emotions,) can have us make complete jackasses of ourselves.

Some would likely suggest that the last verse is too religious and should get the ax, however I feel it is pretty important to be able to confess we have been jackasses, after we have made fools of ourselves. After all, no one is perfect.

One problem with politicians is that they never confess they’ve made a mistake and been a jackass. Instead they play a sort of shell game, shifting topics adroitly about and hoping they never get called on it, and often pretending they are ignorant and even deaf, on the rare occasions they do get cornered. While they may feel they are “getting away with it,” what they are in fact doing is building upon a rotten foundation, or wallpapering over a leaky patch of wet plaster.

Even without the religious aspect, confessing and being forgiven is a process that allows people to make a fresh start. It is analogous to, in engineering, taking out a rotten or failing part of a foundation, and replacing it with something sound.

(This is exactly what Climate Scientists are failing to do. There is too much money and power involved, so rather than confessing mistakes the mistakes are wallpapered over.)

However I am getting too deep for what is actually a light and humorous song. The whole point of humor is to deal with heavy stuff without getting heavy.

This song is copyrighted but I’d be glad to let anyone use it, with his or her own tune if they can think of a good one, or with mine if they wish. Just get in touch with me.


Some gossips are detectives at the Dewdrop Inn Motel.
They swear they’re only driving by, but snoop for tales to tell.
I know I shouldn’t listen to the news that makes them grin
But Betty Lou told me my wife and boss went walking in.

Then it was Panic Time! Panic Time! I need a problem solver
Better than the bullets in my beat-up, old revolver.
Panic time! Panic Time! The fever in my brain
Made me do some crazy things that really were insane.

I rolled my boss’s Cadillac down into the bay;
Got all my wife’s pet rabbits, and set them all astray.
Just then my stupid cell phone rang its silly bell:
Boss wanted to have words with me at the Dewdrop Inn Motel.

Then it was Panic Time! Panic Time! I need a problem solver
Better than the bullets in my beat-up old revolver.
I squared my chin; went walking in; When I went through that door
All my friends shouted, “Surprise,” and I fell to the floor.

It’s hard to fish for Cadillacs when it is dark and cold,
And rabbits like their freedom; it’s hard to get a hold,
And dawn comes really quickly when you’re really in a mess
And sunrise isn’t pretty when you’ve soon got to confess.

For then its panic time! Panic Time! You need a problem solver
Better than the bullets in your beat-up old revolver.
I’d shoot my brain to end my pain, but I’m too much a chicken
And so it seems that I have got to face a mighty lickin’.

I didn’t run away from town; I’m glad I kept on livin’.
It was Sunday morning and at church I got forgiven.
Of course, I did get fired, but later got rehired,
And I got those hoppin’ rabbits back, though I was very tired.

For when it’s Panic Time! Panic Time! You need a Problem Solver
Better than the bullets in your beat-up, old revolver.
When in the lurch just go to church and you will see hell freezes.
Forgiveness only comes to fools who dare confess to Jesus

(So if you want that blessin’ you’d better start confessin’
And that’s the end of this song’s lesson.)


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